We at Goofus, Inc. don’t really think that you care about how your information is used or not used by us and besides if you’ve read this far, you have accepted the terms of this agreement and we can do what we want with your data. If you have not read it all, we can also do what we want with your data. Frankly, we’d be surprised if you even found this page at all. Last year we ran a contest where you had to read the privacy policy and click a link to get a free car. Guess what? Our CFO is still driving the car. We think that we’re safe.

What Personal Information does Goofus, Inc. collect?

Pretty much anything. Of course we can use anything that you give us voluntarily such as your name, phone number and shopping preferences. We also collect skin samples, body hair (we call them Clarence Thomas specials), DNA patterns, heart rates, unfulfilled desires, and sexual fantasies. You can of course, avoid us getting any of this information by not touching any physical artifacts, using any networked devices and acquiring a preference for holistic medicine. We will in that case make the information up.

How do I change my preferences to “opt out”?

First off, we at Goofus, Inc. don’t refer to it as “opt-out”. We call it “Try and find us”. We at Goofus, Inc. request your right to control access to your personal information. Please serve written notice of your request, delivered by hand to our Chief Privacy Officer, Otis Flywheel. Otis lives in Mountain View, California at 750 N. Shoreline Boulevard. He slips out through the back door at 6:15AM to get to his car undetected, but you can generally catch him in the parking lot by quietly lurking. On second thought, it’s even better to get him at night in his house when he’s sleeping. Don’t bother knocking. His alarm code is 7-1-50-3. He doesn’t have a dog, but his wife is a very light sleeper. It’s much safer to pick Wednesdays because that’s the night that she usually meets her secret lover at the bowling alley. If Otis isn’t suspicious about the team requiring her to wear “bowling teddies”, he won’t suspect you either.

What is your policy about children?

As W.C. Fields said, “boiled”. Seriously we at Goofus, Inc. will not knowingly collect any information on customers that we know to be children when we have been requested not to by the parents. To take advantage of this policy please contact our Chief Privacy Officer as described in the above paragraph.

What information do you collect automatically?

We get all of the obvious technical information such as TCP/IP address, click-stream data including URL from and to referrals, operating system and browser identifiers, Myers-Brigg personality type, voting history, fetishes.

What will you do with my information?

We use information that we collect about you for your benefit to improve our quality of customer service, by targeting our web-based advertising with things that you might like to see, to categorize you psychologically by your shopping impulsivity and to gain insight into any latent social or sexual tendencies that you might have that you might be as yet unaware of. We reserve the right to cross match your information against other information that we may acquire from third parties, including your state Department of Motor Vehicles, the local Free Clinic and your ex-wife. We may, at our discretion, subtly begin to morph the pictures of the models on the advertisements to look like your mother. If you use a web cam, we might have phrenologists examine the bumps on your head. Please be aware that we occasionally install hidden remote monitoring devices in our packaging for training purposes to ensure that you are satisfied with the quality of our packaging material.

Will you share information about me with other companies?

Goofus, Inc. respects your right to privacy and your desire to control or even at times share, your personal information to those who you approve of. Your usage of this website constitutes your approval of us. Since you like us, you will also like our sister companies, strategic partners and other companies that we might now or ever do business with. We hold your approval and respect in the highest regard and you can rest assured that we, at Goofus, Inc. will not do anything knowingly to impair or tarnish the high esteem that we have for each other. I think that Kathleen Turner said it best in Body Heat, “You're not too bright. I like that in a man.”

Notification of changes

Goofus, Inc. reserves the right to modify our privacy policy at any time. In the event that we do so, we will post a notification of the change on our web site or possibly on someone else’s web site. It may not be there for very long, so please check all websites frequently to see if we have made any changes. If you would like to talk to us about our privacy policy, please call 1-900-555-1111. Please be aware that all calls are monitored for training purposes.

What will you do with my information in the event that you are acquired?

We at Goofus, Inc. have never made a profit and given our business model probably never will. What assets do we have exactly that a “real” company would acquire us for? Duhhh.